Divorce: what's going on?

It used to be that when African couples married, they stayed married ‘for life’. But that is no longer true of Africans in the UK. Nowadays, we are seeing more and more marriages and relationships break up.

As an opinion leader and a health promoter of several years experience, I have noted with some concern the rising rate of divorce and relationship crisis among African couples in the UK in recent years. At the risk of setting off a controversial debate, I have decided to share my thoughts more widely with fellow Africans because I believe the consequences of divorce go much deeper than the emotional upset and changes in living arrangements. Nowadays, breaking up has serious social, economic as well as health consequences for the parties concerned. If children are involved, they are affected as well. I say this from personal experience, having myself gone through divorce (and I never thought I would!).

What exactly is happening to us? Could the days when marriage was ‘for better or for worse’ – be drawing to an end? What has happened to the “We don’t do divorce. We are Africans!” slogan? What is it that puts African couples’ relationships under strain from the time they arrive in the UK? A number of reasons are probably to blame.

New culture,new lifestyle:
There are lots of things to admire when one first lands in the UK, but also lots of things to shock – such as a woman driving a bus; men doing the cooking; men doing the ironing or washing up! However, before long, Africans become absorbed into the system. Gradually, the woman starts to do things she never dreamt of doing back in Africa. She realises she has got rights, and if employed or on welfare benefits, she starts having control over her money. The man realises that he can no longer dictate how things are run in the home. Unless employed, he also realises he has little, if any, financial power. From being the breadwinner, when in Africa, he now has to depend on the wife. And, to add insult to injury, he is expected to do household chores such as cooking, ironing, washing up or walking kids to school – all taboo, as far as he is concerned!

All these factors are putting a lot of our men under pressure. They feel it is a challenge to their pre-dominant position in the household. Some seek comfort in alcohol, others try to reassert authority by threatening violence. Often, this doesn’t work, and the atmosphere at home soon becomes very unpleasant.

The UK welfare state system has been blamed – unfairly, in my view - for contributing to the rise in divorce rates. Admittedly, the system does appear to do more for women than for men. Often, it is the woman who receives the housing support, child tax credit and other child care allowances. The weekly cash can add up to a fair amount. Unless he is working, the man usually has to make do with the £40 or so in job seekers’ allowance. The problem is, few of them do.

Even when in a paid job, the man finds himself under pressure. The hours are long and hard, the wages low. By the time he returns home, he is probably too tired, in a bad mood, and not ready for any quality time with wife or children.

Other factors that commonly cause a breakdown of a marriage include:

• Pressure or interference from friends or family members;
• Long periods of separation due to immigration restrictions;
• A woman’s inability to give birth to children;
• Cheating (unfaithfulness)
• Domestic violence;
• Negligence;
• An HIV positive diagnosis of one or both partners.

Based on what I have seen from my work as a health promoter, when a couple split up, the following things usually happen:

• There is a feeling of guilt for breaking the cultural taboo around divorce;
• Some ex-partners are immediately made homeless, destitute and without essentials such as cooking utensils, clothing etc…;
• They go through emotionally and psychologically difficult times;
• Some ex-partners are left with complex Immigration issues to deal with.

Many people who are just coming out of a divorce tend to jump into a new relationship. This could be for a number of reasons, such as:

• Revenge for getting divorced, or ‘rejected’, by the ex-partner;
• To escape the loneliness, insecurity and the financial difficulties caused by the split;
• To find comfort and a shoulder to cry on;
• To get a place to stay in.

Sexual health issues
The period following a break-up is, for many people, not the best time for worrying about sexual health. Yet, it is often a time when the risk of acquiring an STI from a new partner is greatest. The need to have a new relationship can be so strong that an ex-divorcee will not pay enough attention to the question of whether their new partner might be carrying an STI.

Sexual health checklist:
If you have recently split from your partner and are into a new relationship, these are some of things you need to think about in order to protect your sexual health.

• Finding out about your new partner’s HIV and sexual health status;
• Checking with the new partner about using the condom during sex until a HIV test has been taken;
• Finding a good and convincing response in the event your partner demands sex without a condom (i.e. unprotected sex);
• Getting some condoms yourselves, just in case your partner doesn’t keep any.

There are real benefits in knowing your partner’s HIV status well before any unprotected sexual contact. The benefits include:

• You will cut the risk of getting HIV or another serious STI;
• You will show to the partner that you care about your (and their) sexual health;
• You will have the peace of mind of knowing your partner’s HIV and sexual health status;
• Both of you will be in a better position to discuss about trying for a baby.

HIV disclosure issues
As mentioned above, an HIV positive diagnosis is often the cause of a marriage breakdown. This is more likely if the diagnosis was in only one partner. Not surprisingly, many people choose not to inform their partner about a positive test result. There are real advantages in letting your partner know about your HIV test result, whether it was positive or negative. These advantages include:

• You may get understanding and support from the partner;
• The partner can also get tested so they know their HIV status;
• Both of you will be more understanding about the need to practise safer sex until the other partner is also tested;
• Both of you will be able to make informed decisions about the future, such as whether to have children or not.

Help is available
There are many organisations in London and the rest of the UK that offer good advice, help and support to couples who are having problems maintaining their relationship. They include:

Relate
www.relate.org.uk
0300 100 1234

Parentline Plus
www.parentlineplus.org.uk
0808 800 2222

British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy
www.basrt.org.uk
020 85432707

Marriage Care
www.marriagecare.org.uk
0845 660 6000

Family Mediators Association
www.fmassoc.co.uk
0117 946 7062

Innovative Visions Organisation (IVO)
020 8365 0349

South London African Women’s Association (SLAWO)
020 8648 1808

Posted On: 18 December 2009 at 12:04PM
Tags: divorce

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