Negotiating safer sex
Negotiating safer sex: It’s about making choices
Sex is such a private and subjective matter that it’d be presumptiuous of me to think I can fully analyse other people’s ability to negotiate safer sex. I can say, however, that in order for us to understand why many African women have difficulty negotiating safer sex, we need to look at our culture and traditional practices, and at how much things have changed, or need to change, in this era of HIV.
Is it a given that African women are vulnerable to HIV because of culture and tradition? In today’s dynamic world, has the African woman’s thinking and behaviour remained static, or has she made some progress in taking control of her sexual life? I challenge the stereotype of African women as being helpless, hopeless and powerless, because I know different. Also, I want to challenge the stereotype that the African man is promiscuous and spreads diseases, because I know that most of our men are loving, caring, and responsible.
This is not to say that we do not need change, because we do. And if so, do we continue with our existing cultures, or should we reinvent something completely new? If the desired change is to happen, perhaps we should take a joint responsibility and accept that we all - health promoters, care-givers, educators and health auhtorities - need to climb on the bandwagon of change.
It’s not easy to change established cultural beliefs and practices. The reason why a woman will have sex largely depends on whether she is having sex for pleasure, for procreation, or in expectation of a material benefit. For many women, being able to produce children is synonymous with womanhood, and if this is the priority, ‘safer sex’ may become a lesser priority.
Many women also produce children in order to cement a relationship; again in this scenario, the issue of condom use can take a back seat. Even where procreation is not the primary objective, a woman’s basic need to be accepted or wanted may outweigh any considerations for safer sex, not because she is not empowered but because she wants to ‘belong’. In any case, a relationship is for life, and for many women ask themselves: ‘how many times shall I continue negotiating safer sex?’
Finally, the expectation of a material benefit – whether in money or money’s worth – can influence a woman’s ability to negotiate safer sex. Often, it boils down to her capacity to choose between long-term good sexual health and short-term benefit.
For people living with HIV, disclosure can be a very difficult thing to do. Balancing the need for intimacy and the real risk of being rejected is like walking on a tight-rope. An HIV diagnosis can kill intimacy or affect a relationship, whether or not disclosure has taken place. That said, disclosure plays a necessary role in negotiating safer sex, and we should encourage it.
Negotiating safer sex requires confidence, trust and some degree of intimacy between the people involved. When you have confidence in yourself, you will disclose things about yourself that you ordinarily wouldn’t, and this is not a bad thing to bring into your relationship.
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